Considering the depraved quality of their porn exports, it's little wonder that the Japanese have become the first nation to recycle feces into food.

That's right, feces. Into food. Poop into provisions. Excrement into edibles. Crap into comestibles. Manure into munchies. Sewage into sausage. By extracting proteins and carbohydrates from waste matter, scientist Mitsuyuki Ikeda has given new meaning to the words "cow pie".

Poo proteins are separated and put into something unfortunately called the exploder, then combined with soy and red food coloring to create a beef-like meat treat. Wash it down with a warm glass of piss and you've got the answer to the world's over-population crisis!

Due to the bacterial basis for the poop paddy, it's recommended to cook before consumption. I'd opt for the alternative: slow, painful starvation. Below, a list of...


1) The Godfather III on VHS. While still a pile of shit, not nearly as bad as eating the real thing.

2) Lab Rats.

3) The Shroud of Turin. Related item:

4) The Easter Bunny. Despite an inevitable backlash from children everywhere, I would hunt and capture the Easter Bunny, torture him for information on the whereabouts of the Tooth Fairy, hunt her too, then make them into stew prior to eating poo.

5) Vinyl Flooring.

6) Coconut Cream Pie. I've always hated coconut shavings, but sprinkle them on old greasy dish rags, spray with fabric softener -- still preferable to rectal ejecta.

7) Engine coolant.

8) The Great Pyramid of Giza. Overlooking the hardship of dismantling it brick by brick and chiseling it down to bite-sized chunks, to say nothing for filing paperwork with the Egyptian government... still a welcome alternative to a feast of fudge nuggets.

9) The Contents of a Lava Lamp.

10) Human Meat. Depending on the source, that is. I wouldn't engage in sexual congress with just anyone, so the idea that I would munch on a human with avian flu (or even a bird with sapien flu) is nil. One exception by association: The Cosby Kids.