Make sure your grandma's hearing aid is out. She would  NOT  approve...

Make sure your grandma's hearing aid is out. She would NOT approve...


This excerpt from my memoirs recounts an emotional love song written by me about you encouraging us towards a certain untoward act involving my favorite genitals, my own. NOT, uh, Work un-safe, & definitely clear the kids out of the room.


My Cock got his first job at an early age as a journeyman plumber and supported me while I finished my undergrad degree in keg-tapping. Right around the time I graduated, he got laid off. Tough times lay ahead, aside from the odd bit of work snaking drains or laying pipe. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And we had our music.

I come from a long line of musical hobbyists. My family seemed partial to bagpipes and woodwinds, a tradition loosely embraced since our ancestors immigrated from Scotway and Norland. By contrast, my Cock‘s roots are of a distinctly Polish persuasion; polka was their thing. Rumor has it he had a big hand in the wild and willy polk-rock movement of the late 1970s. One day my Cock looked up to me and said:


"You know what? You're my inspiration.”

I was like, “Dude, you’re my inspiration too!”

“You’re the wind beneath my wings!”

“You light up my life!”

“Hello? I love you!”

“Love lifts me up where I belong!”

We had a complicated relationship.

We had a complicated relationship.

Crosby, Stills, Nash, & my Cock

Crosby, Stills, Nash, & my Cock

We were pretty sloshed, and well... despite having no musical ability whatsoever – despite the fact that my Cock had a tin ear and I was an amateur skin flautist at best – we decided to start a band!

We wrote exactly one song. My Cock proposed a theme and I wrote the lyrics. We purchased some studio time (extra special thanks to Zac Dover for writing the music and lending backup vocals, and to his Cock for producing the LP). “You Are Cordially Invited” quickly became an overnight sensation with potty-mouthed teens and deaf people everywhere.

Hair band phase

Size not to scale.

Fame came fast and hard, and before we could catch our breath my Cock was balls-deep into booze, women, mysticism, drugs. You name it, we did it. The sex parties alone were outrageous; sometimes we’d have one woman taking the both of us at once. Sometimes we’d be joined by Rick James’ Taint. We never did anything small.

When he O.D.'d, my Cock went whole hog. That week we were set to film a “You Are Cordially Invited” music video, and we were stressed. He'd been up for days and on the eve of the shoot, my Cock disappeared. There are apocryphal accounts of him stumbling through the streets, shouting crazy talk, eventually getting ejected from one of his favorite watering holes. So it came as no surprise to anyone when my Cock was found dead in some homeless encampment under a half-pitched tent, upchuck staining his Members Only Jacket. The official coroner’s report listed cause of death as “stroke,” and he was only 3 years younger than me.

I’ve written other lyrics since, but never put them to music. It’s too painful. Then one day, on the 13th anniversary of my Cock’s death, I got a call from Rick James’ Taint. It’d been a while. We caught up on old times, shared some memories, a few tears, and hung up. But a new energy sparkled... an idea formed…

Why not make the music video we never got to complete? After all this time, could there be a more fitting tribute? I was going to honor my Cock by making that video. Not necessarily the one he wanted, but the one he deserved.

Grunge phase

Using the original music, no remastering, no remix, no autotune – just 2 guys and 2 cocks in a sound booth. It had been a long time since I’d heard the early stuff (read: the only stuff). It felt good; it felt right. It felt like Pink Floyd crafting “Wish You Were Here” well after Syd Barrett went bananas.


Then I was confronted with a new problem: How to make a compelling video? I pulled in a few favors, chased down some long-lost connections and was a bit overwhelmed by the outflow of support! I’d forgotten just how much people loved my Cock!!!


Investors lined up, bloating the budget into an astounding $100 trillion Euro range. Cinematographers clamored for the right to shoot it. Production designers fought over who would build sets and design the costumes.

Over 1,000 free-range roosters flooded the casting-call! Celebrities lined up for cameos! Noted author Charles Dickens travelled all the way from the afterlife for a brief appearance, as did former president Lyndon “LBJ” Johnson! (now going by his luche libre name, el Bee-Jay.)

Many moons later – years after my Cock’s tragic passing, long after the bittersweet rollercoaster of success, failure, irrelevance, musical illiteracy, social and political impotency, from heart-throbs to has-beens – it's time to unveil the new musical animated short short...

For the real story of how “You Are Cordially Invited” arose, just ask and I’ll give you the scoop. But guaranteed, it’s not nearly as interesting…

A melodic invitation to oral copulation!
lyrics: W. Matt Stewart music: Zac Dover

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