ESSAY: MY FAVORITE PRESIDENTS

My favorite president is JAMES GARFIELD. He could write Latin with one hand and simultaneously write Greek with the other.

Rumor has it he was assassinated because Charlie Guiteau envied this ability and thought by killing Garfield he could absorb his mutant powers.

CHESTER ARTHUR took over Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters. But his cabinet was captured by Krakoa the Living Island and Arthur had to assemble a whole new cabinet to pull their butts out of the fire.

My next favorite president is GROVER CLEVELAND (the original Cleveland, not the clone who served a "second" non-consecutive term. That was a ruse concocted by a cabal of Double Mint gum enthusiasts.)

*"I am Chester Allan Arthur. Call me Chet."*

*Chuck Guiteau contemplates killing you*

*"I'm Stephen Grover Cleveland. You can call me Steveland."*

Third favorite prez: GEORGE H. W. BUSH, though not during his actual '89-'93 term. I felt the country prospered during his informal invocation of presidential succession in 1981 when Reagan was shot by Mark David Chapman outside his New York home while strolling with wife Yoko Ono.

OTHER NOTABLES:

ULYSSES GRANT - privately fought KKK persecution and freed many, many slaves √

TED ROOSEVELT - started the Spanish-American War while Bill McKinley was out grabbing lunch - then had the nerve to complain when McKinley forgot the egg-rolls.

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FRANK PIERCE - arguably one of the worst presidents ever, unpopular for his Southern sympathies just before and during the Civil War (mainly due to his insistence it be called the American-American Skirmish).

MILLARD FILLMORE - president with the least name recognition, likely so because he selected the confusing email addy mill_more_69@aol.com.